Destiny

Destiny is such a strange word.

Why can't the past stay behind? Why does it have to haunt you, and get you when you least expect it? I really thought I buried every feeling and memory, and then with a click everything changes again.

Almost 9 years ago I met someone. Someone a I really liked, someone if I may dare say was the person I loved the most in my life. He wasn't perfect. Neither was I. He was my best friend, and I was his. Even though we never had much time together, the time we passed together was the happiest I had. And then things change, we lost contact through the years, since I came to the UK and he stayed back in Portugal. I tried to contact him. For 5 years I've been trying to find out if he is ok. A couple years back, I made contact with a friend of his, that told me that he was with someone and they had a child.

I was so sad.

And so happy.

I was happy that I finally found out about him, that he was ok, and happy. And I was so sad, all my hopes were crushed in that day, how could I compete with someone that gave him a child? And what about the child....? I just couldn't.

My heart was broken, but I carried on.

About a month ago, I remembered them again. I was able to find out that he had a little boy, and had a name of an angel. The name I would have given to my own child if I had a little boy. My heart was broken again, was it possible that after 5 years I didnt forget about him? That if we were together, probably that child would have been mine? I was so heartbroken that I decided to bury everything, to close every photo, letter and even feelings and memories I had of him in a box, and just let the past go. I opened my own door to the future, hoping that someday I would be happy just like him.

I was so wrong.

First time in about a week I logged in on msn, to find his name on my screen. I was so gobbsmacked I thought i was still sleeping. I accepted his invite. He was online. I said hello.

It was him... the same as I remembered, every word, every line on his face. Just the same. Like we never got apart. He flirted, like always. He told me he wasn't happy. He told me he didn't loved his "partner". He liked her, and he was with her because he believes it was the best for the child, but he didn't loved her.

He talked about the past. The past I've been desperatly trying to forget...
He remembered it all. All our memories.
And my heart was beating again.

And my heart sank after hearing that the mother of the child was the same girl he was with on the last day I saw him. On that day that we kissed goodbye.

Though I can't say I wasn't expecting that. Oh I was... I always felt it might be her.

But I saw the pain he had on his eyes, when he told me she betrayed him. And he just lost the love he had for her.

I don't know what to do.

I love him... I always did... love at first sight... and I think I'll always will.

But am I being good to my heart? Cause I know I'll be heartbroken again. I'll cause pain to others and to myself. I know he loves me as well... but everything changed, we are talking of a child in the middle of this...

Is it my destiny to keep living in the past? Is it my destiny to keep believing in a fairytale ending when deep down I know it will be quite different?

Funny word... destiny.

I just want my happy ever after.